Contains spoilers for Anamnesia Part 1 (go and read it - it's free and like five hours long)
Also CW for some discussion of sexual trauma.

One of the most common questions I've been asked by people who finished Part 1 has been: "Why is it called 'am i my body'?" In the beginning, I was honestly surprised that this was a question anyone would feel the need to ask, though I now think it makes sense to be slightly confused, if you expected the title to be related to some crazy sci-fi concept like body swapping and then… nothing of the sort happens, and it's just some sort of vague thematic backdrop.

Because that's what it is: there isn't this one correct answer to what 'am i my body?' is supposed to mean; there are at least five intended readings for it and I'm sure you could come up with more that are valid in the context of the story. And in the end, there isn't even one correct answer to the question itself: depending on which reading of 'am i my body?' you try to inspect, the answer might be 'yes', 'no' or even just 'eh'.

Today I want to talk about one of the readings that I would reply to with 'no'.

International Asexuality Day seems like a great excuse to confirm that, yes, Adrian is asexual. And I am too. That's why Adrian is asexual. Shocker. Don't you just love it when authors only hint at a character's sexuality in an ever so subtle way, just to properly confirm it on their social media later down the line? Well, I know, I know, I'll get back to that, let's just roll with it for now. The most direct connection between his sexuality and the title of part 1 can be found during the dream sequence:

"She opens her mouth and shapes her tongue into sounds.
Sorry, what?
She repeats.
Sorry, what?
Again.
Yes, I agree.
Is what I settle with.
Worked well enough and she pushes me down onto the sofa and her smooth angelic skin meets with my rough disgusting body and she sits down on me, and I'm glad to finally be of use to someone.
Because I can't talk and I can't write and I can't listen and I can't sing and I can't focus and I can't be interesting or play the guitar or talk, but I can exist and be a body and that's all I ever wanted."

This is the turning point in the relationship between Emilia and Adrian - it's a slightly abstracted depiction of what happens right after the end of the flashback segment; the beginning of the timeframe Adrian has deleted from his log:

"The things I never wanted to remember; and yet, I always do. Her smooth, angelic skin. This offbeat dance of flesh on flesh. The precise shape of her each and every body part.

I hate all of it."

But despite having hated 'all of it', he apparently agreed - entered a sexual relationship with Emilia, at least for a while. But why? Is he stupid? Short answer: yes, duuh.

Long answer: Emilia's been his only friend since he got out of school. She started talking to him, and for some reason keeps doing so - and he's glad to have someone to talk to again, but he's scared as well: how long will it last? How long will she be willing to entertain him, while he has nothing to offer in return? Nothing interesting to say, having dropped the only real hobby he's ever had and just generally being terrible at keeping conversations alive…
But then, that evening, Emilia wants to sleep with him. And maybe that's good enough of a reason to stick around. Even if he isn't particularly interesting, even if he's unable to form a strong emotional connection through words alone - maybe offering his body can make up for that.
Of course, it's a silly thought to have: if that was the only reason she continued to spend time with him, she could still go and find someone else to have sex with - well, she eventually does. But for the time being he's simply relieved; glad that just having a body is enough to keep him from being abandoned.

In retrospect, he doesn't feel the same anymore; traumatized by their sexual encounters - wanting nothing more than to forget about them and… certainly not talk about any of it again.

"Will I ever be able to truly hate her for what she did? Should I? Did she even… do anything wrong in the first place? If she really was to blame for anything, then… why have I kept it to myself all this time? No, it's all my own fault. I'm sorry for being this way."

Did she do anything wrong? Did she talk him into something he didn't truly want to do? Should she have noticed that he was feeling uncomfortable? Could she have? Not even he knows anymore: after all, he deleted all entries from that timeframe. Unable to read back through any of their conversations from back then… he really doesn't remember for sure, whether his consent was clear, whether Emilia had to persuade him - which parts really happened, and which he might have retroactively fabricated.
This internal conflict lies at the core of everything he does throughout the game - or rather, everything he doesn't do, everything he constantly keeps to himself. I think a lot of people were somewhat disappointed by the "reveal" of what happened between them, expecting it to be something much worse; specifically, something HE did and had to keep to himself no matter what. And then it's just some silly trauma he didn't tell Sophie about: in the beginning, because it seemed like the easiest route to take; now, because the lie had years to grow and fester.

"Emilia really didn't exaggerate, when she said you wouldn't ever talk much, huh? Well, that's fine and all, but  just every now and then… try to think how that might make others feel, alright?"

I already mentioned it elsewhere, but I would love to write an additional alternate ending for Part 1 at some point - one that would tackle this facet of the story a little more thoroughly. It was originally meant to exist, but honestly: I really didn't know how to properly write about any of this, without it just feeling like a trauma dump. I hope I'll figure it out one day - there really aren't a lot of properly explored depictions of asexuality in games. I know of… one. It's in The Outer Worlds, and I haven't even played that one… maybe I should.

Anyway, that's all. I don't really have anything smart to say, to be honest. Something, something, not being into sex is valid and cool. Communication about your preferences is extremely based and important. You are more than just your body. Yeah. I'm done. Thanks for reading?